scorpio

Had a roller coaster mood today…

       Didn’t really slept well last night..Something kept bothering me…Sense of losing something important kept haunting me throughout the night…Am i going to lose my precious thing?? I don’t know….

      Luckily everything come to an end this morning…Like the feeling when everthing is settled.Found back my long lost feeling  and got back the thing i valued most…Thanks for tolerating me all these while..I know it must be hard for u…

     Result released today…I can’t deny that i was worried..This is a major exam and it is just like a determinant to me…Didnt go back to KL to collect my result…Quite a waste coz cant be there to feel the tense atmosphere when the result is released…Huan called me after that and im glad to know every of us made thro it..Heard lots of shouting behind huan’s voice..It must be a great moment to be there and share every1’s joy…

     Just chatted with huan thro MSN…Ask her to open my result slip 4 me..Its a hard decision 2 me coz im the kind of ppl who wanted to be the 1st to know my own result.. but this time.. i choose to let her open..I cant wait any second..I jus wanna know my result NOW!!

     Heard them thro huan…overall an A..I should be contented…I know..but just as i say last time im a imperfect person who is trying to be perfect..i got B for OSCE..This made me feel so hard to be happy about getting an overall A in sem3…Ya im greedy…i know…

     Tell him my result and he say congrats..He know exactly how i feel…He know i always had high expectation toward myself and he know why  i wanted to get a good result this time beside for the matching..He say if only 1of us can get A, he would rather im the 1 who got it…coz i got a lot more ppl i need to account for compare to him..

       This is life…when u get something that u never get u will be vy happy…but if u cant get something that u always got u will tend to complaint…This is how i felt now..I know i should be contented..At least an overall A is something that i should be glad bout it…At least i still got him who always there to support and take care of me regardless how badly i behave…At least i stil got a bunch of frens who went thro the same situation with me…Ya..I should be contented and i will….

Back home at JB since last Friday…Almost 1 whole month didn’t come back due to the killer EOS….

        This whole month had been a hectic month for me…Too many things had happened around me and still there are something I can’t really accept…Preparing for EOS was a unforgettable moment…Living in such a stressful condition with adrenaline level so high beyond the normal was a scary experience…I got to admit that my stress level is mainly due to my own egoism…Maybe im just an imperfect person who is trying to be perfect.. Knowing that this exam will determine whether I can get into the Uni I want for twinning or not had put me in a difficult position. Kept telling myself not to take it so seriously and try to relax but I failed.

       Always jumped up from bed and realized that I had accidentally slept more than the time I should and felt frustrated. Although sometimes I knew im tired and can’t really study but by just keeping myself awake can make me feel less guilty coz to me , sleep is no longer a need but is a want that I should abandon at that time…Had a super haywire routine this whole month…Cant really remember at what time I actually slept…3am??4am?? I only remember there are time that I slept after the sunrise…

      Not enough sleep had made me undergo terrible mood swing as well. Hate to admit that sometime I was so vulnerable…I think im not the only 1 who was so down during that period coz I realized a lot of my friends had undergone the same thing as me…Maybe we were all too stressed out…Thank god I had bunch of friend who were there to go through this with me…If I were to face these alone maybe I had breakdown long ago.

      1 month  of stressful life ended with 4 days of exam…To me, SAQ was ok…Only few questions that I was totally blank and don’t know how to answer. Overall I was quite satisfy with that paper..2nd day, OSPE…Thought I had fully prepared for it since we had gone through all the slides on pathology and FLMs  on micro and parasito…Moreover this paper’s weightage was not as heavy as SAQ..  Who knows?? I actually finished the exam in a chaotic mind…I cant really say the questions are hard but just simply don’t know y I cant performed the best in it…I actually saw a lot of the pictures given b4 this but just don’t know y cant really regurgitated what I had studied b4.

     5minutes per station…There were few stations which I was unable to finish. For some stations I got to change my whole answer last minute  just because I had made a wrong judgment and diagnosis from the beginning…Fighting in that limited time and trying hard to recall back what I had studied is a tough task for me…The more I proceed, the more scare I was. the more scare I was definitely the more mistaken I had made….When the exam finally came to an end, I felt myself shivering…Chills ran down my spines…Yes, I was scared…but more was disappointment…If I were to calm myself down, maybe I can do better…If….

       3rd and 4th day, OSCE started. The paper that i worried most for this EOS although the weightage of it was not as high as the previous 2. Clinical skills is a skills that required consistent practices. And after 1 month of practice the day to show what I had learned had arrived…Lectured by lots of CSU lecturer during this 1 whole month of practice…Yeah..I got to admit that the problems lies in me. .I just sucked at doing hands-on thing..

     "You just don’t know anything” this is the comment by Dr Nilesh when he 1st saw me doing liver span.. "Tell me, do u study ur books before this ?? U jus don’t know the concept of what ur doing!!" this was what Dr Htin Aung said when I still cant do liver palpation although he had showed me numerous time..  I was once got so upset when Dr TS lectured me during one of the session but now I am able to take all these calmly.. I had learned to soften my heart to learned and admitted that I was lousy in it…2 days exam ended in a blink of eyes.. Didn’t really did well.. In fact I had made some mistakes that I shouldn’t make.. Maybe I just too nervous.. Although I screwed up the BP station as didn’t even got a chance to put on the cuff b4 the buzzer rang, I was glad that I went through the whole OSCE…

       Finally, the days that I had been looking forward for so long had come following the end of EOS…Wanted to enjoy the holiday but don’t know y there is a sense of emptiness haunting me ever since the exam was over.. Am I worried bout the result?? Maybe…I myself also cant really figure out why I feel so…Post exam syndrome I called it.. And I think I just need time to adjust myself back to my usual self…

     Coming back JB for the weekend but was now planning to stay back.. His place was flooded and I know I cant go back KL and go Penang to enjoy myself.. thus I choose to stay here.. Even though I cant do anything or help him in any way  but still…Staying at home these few days.. Watching the news bout the flood.. Seeing all the victims being evacuated and looking at the pictures of those who had lost their home…Suddenly felt so sorry for them…

    Human are just tiny little creature that live on this land like any other living organism.. Compare to the mother nature we are so insignificant. All the things and all the development that we had done can be vanish in a second by the force of nature.. Watching "The day after tomorrow" last night…It was so irony that I watched it at this point of time…Nothing can be done to stop the natural disaster.. What we can do now is just try our best to strengthen out mind to face this crisis calmly…

      Many ppl had once told me that I am blessed and should be grateful to what I had now…Yes I know. I know I had always take them for granted coz I had never lost them…Looking back my 21 years of life , I was always been taken a good care by the people around me.. I have loving parents who will always be there to support me when I need them, to protect me from any danger, to guide me out of darkness, to encourage me when im in despair…They had provided me a wonderful condition for me to grow and to pursue my dreams…And yet I always take them for granted, always self-centered in making decision , seldom care for them when they need me…Really got to thanks them for being able to tolerate me all these while…

       As for friends…I can count myself a lucky 1 coz ever since young I was surrounded by lots of frens who i can trust and share my life with…Im the kind of ppl who is always afraid of loneliness…I cant eat alone, I cant go shopping alone, I cant stay at a unfamiliar place alone and I cant do a lot of thing without being accompanied by some1 im familiar with.. Thank god I always can find some1 who can tolerate my temper and can click along with me…U guys made my life special…To know that there is always some 1 who understands u and can move along with u is a great feeling…

      I had a lot…A lot more than any others ….I should be contented and not keep asking for more…Since I had been given this much y cant I face little problem in life calmly? Compare to a lot of ppl I shouldn’t be complaining anymore.. Life cant be a smooth sailing trip all the while…Sometimes some obstacles are necessary for us to grow up….Don’t try to take things for granted but don’t take things too seriously sometimes.. Let go may not be a bad thing.. In fact this is the thing that I should learn from now….

     “ Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be, these are words of wisdom, let it be…” May the flood subside soon and may those who are affected can overcome this hard time with strong will and mind….

3 more hours to 2007…Bye bye 2006…

        It’s been a month since my study break started. And 1 more week to go it will ends…EOS 3 is just around the corner..Am i prepared?? I doubt so…Feeling a bit lost recently…Tonnes of things pending…Some1 keep telling me still have time, not to worry but can i really do so?

       Lots of things happened recently…I cant deny that these things really does affected my mind and my mood…Things changes too fast around me..Ppl changes too…Am i changing ? I think so…I had changed…I learnt to take things more easily…"Every1 got the right to live happily !" This is what u told me whenever i was bothered by tiny little things.Yeah…I think im a fast learner and i hope i had learnt them now…

        Study is the only thing that i can do and im supposed to do…EOS is my ultimate goal now.. None of other things should be given any priority now…Study study…for this 1 and only chance…for a chance that will affect my future…U say this is my last chance to achieve my dream…yeah ur right…and thanks 4 being by my side while im doing it step by step…

        New year is just around the corner…say bye to the past and say hi to the future..2006 had been a year with full of memories…Though cant say is a smooth sailing year but still overrall not too bad i would say…Hopefully the coming 2007 is a better year to all…

     To all my M205 batch mates….All the best for EOS 3…Hopefully all of us will pass with flying colours and reunite in Sem 4….+oil….

It’s a beautiful sunday..The weather is so good that i felt is a waste to stay at home…

        It’s been a week ever since my study break started. 4 more weeks to go for the EOS which is an important exam for the PMS matching…Looking back my progression for the whole week..Only 1 system covered so far..How am i supposed to finish what had been taught this whole year in 4 more weeks?? I wonder…

       Time is limiting and yet i got no mood and momentum to study..Wat the hell had happened to me?? Cant even finish a parasito notes in 1 and half hr…My mind had been occupied by something but i myself cant exactly tell whats that little evil in my mind…

      Argh….Can some1 pls scold me for being so useless?? Can some1 pls scold me for wasting my own time blogging here?? Can some1 pls telling me the consequences if i keep idling like this??..Sigh…I think no 1 can do so except myself…:(

Finally finished the killing paper of Gastrointestinal…Study like hell 4 6 weeks and finished the end of course in 1 hour ….didnt really did well in that test but then nothing more i can do…Lets just hope and pray 4 the best…

      Celebrating 3 birthday in a row after GI. Played from 1pm till 4am…Every1 was like play gao gao as if we will never get a chance to play again after this. Waiting 4 us is 5 weeks study break which we will be mugging in the library all day long.Hopefully can survive this period without getting any stress ulcer!!

      Before i start my pathetic life as medical student, i decided to come back my home sweet home to relax a bit.Spending the weekend at home hopefully can recharge back my exhausted energy…and prepare me for the coming stressful life…

      Sem 3 EOS…To all the M205 batchmates…+oil n happy mugging!!!

1st day of being an adult….Nothing much changed except of feeling myself getting older 

      I had spent a unforgetable moment wid my dearest family ( true & pseudo ) this year…Really a memorable 1….Thanks to my family who had drove up from JB just to spend this meaningful event in my life with me….Thanks to all who had sacrified  their precious time especially during this critical moment while every1 are preparing for the major exam….No word can express my gratitude to all of u…

     Ck, thanks for spending ur time and effort by giving me such a great surprise…Though u failed to made me cry but im deeply touched inside my heart..Thanks to all who helped him up with the plan as well….

     To some1 i valued a lot—huan…Thanks for giving me something special every year…Is a real blessing to know u in my life….u had shared all my ups n downs for the past 8 years…Without u, my life definitely wont be so wonderful…Peng you shi yi bei zhi de remember….nothing will change our relationship no matter what happened in the future…I promised….

     Thanks to Winnie, Jackie, YYW , Jane june, Ben , Cheemzz, Yih seong, Chow chow ‘the best’ , jeremy, prasad, paul, kher dee, yeap, wei loong, timorthy, fabian, joseph, wei cheong, mustaq, ivy, hui lin, and senaiboy….I enjoyed yesterday’s BBQ a lot…Is a blessing to know all of u in my life in IMU…U guys made my days as a medical student more endurable and memorable…Thanks lots….Love u guys!!!

      To those long lost friends…Thanks for still remembering me…Thanks jye hwei who called from Aus the night b4 her final exam…Thanks tsu soon who send his regard from Taiwan and Hui Quan from Aus as well….Thanks to all sending their wishes via email, sms, cards and etc….

      Last but not least… A big thanks to my parents who have been bringing me up and showering me with never endless love for the past 20 years…Daddy , mummy…Thanks for tolerating me all this while….Thanks for being such a supportive and understanding parents who always by my side whenever i need u 2..and to my younger brother who always bicker with me—is a pleasure to have u in my life as well..u really add a lot of spice in my life…Without u there will be no1 i can bully at home Just wanna say u all means a lot to me…Love u all always!!

Survived from the 4th week of GI…..

        I can only find a word to explained what i had experienced this week—-indigestion!!!

        Cant really believe how i managed to survive from this whole week….Not more than 2 months from EOS and less than 2 weeks from GI EOC…And yet i had not been studying for this whole week… Getting distracted by too many things….Receiving too many shocks…..Some related to myself while most of it are not….

      Met a lot of perculiar things in this week, met lots of strange ppl and weird theories….No 1 can really understand what i am undergoing now except huan who always by my side and see how my mood flactuated with the things happened….Drastic changes in life making me paranoid and insecure….

      Sometimes is better for us to know nothing at all….Yeah, this is what i felt right now…I really think im too saturated with news now and i have the risk of being silence by some1 who wanted to protect the news….So scary….

      All this things had to put an end asap before it jeopardised my EOS…Now only i realised im so easily affected by my mood…Cant even finish a single notes whole night this whole week….What happened to me? Nothing like this happened to me b4.. I always think i can differentiate between personal thing and studies and organised my time well but i was proven wrong this time!!!!

      Daddy n Mummy coming up in a short while….Cant wait to see them…Cant wait for them to rescue me from this never ending mood swing….Hopefully i can be clear of what i want and made a good decision …Pray hard…..

PS: Huan, thanks 4 by my side….Cant imagined If i got to face this alone..Thanks a lot…u know what i meant right!!

Happiness….How u define this? Some 1 ask me this recently….

      Coming back home for deeparaya holiday for a week….It had been two months ago ever since i leave home when sem 3 started…2 months…..Cannot say is a vy vy long time but i really miss home a lot…

      Back here everything is unchanged…Except that my bro had grown taller, Dad n Mum seem to grow older a bit ( dunno if this is true o not..i hope is jus my illusion)….Back to my familiar environment, my room, lying on my bed comfortably…..Yes this is my comfort zone which i will never wanna to leave although i know staying too long in comfort zone will make our immune system towards the external environment drop….

      Like the feeling of staying at home…eventhough doing nothing constructive but just being at home and enjoy the peaceful moment at home is a blessing to me…Eating mummy and daddy’s home cook food make my slimming down plan failed but to me it’s worth…haha…

      Went for a movie with whole family yesterday…Enjoyed the moment of family outing…Long time never go out with family already…Miss the old days when our whole family will go out every weekend…Now only i realised being happy can be vy simple…No need to spend a lot, no need to go vy far, no need to prepare a lot of things but just being together as 1 family can make me feel happy.

       I think this is my definition to happiness…No matter what had happened , to me , knowing that there is always a place i can turn to made me feel secured and blessed. The feeling of being embraced by love is happiness to me……Thanks to all who give me this……

      Going back KL soon…This round will be staying for a longer time to prepare for EOS…Hate to leave home but no choice….Anyway i think i had recharged enough at home to overcome the days ahead….

Feeling down since the day b4….Waiting for this mood swing syndrome to pass but til now..failed!

        Feel mad and disapointed to myself after the dreadly CSU session the day before. Felt like a super idiot who is completely loss in the situation. Cant even performed a simple physical examination. What is wrong with me??? I did study before the session and i thought i was prepared for it….eventhough not fully prepared but i thought at least i can complete the examination…but then i failed!!!!! Is TS too advance for our level? I doubt so coz the rest of them who were with me that day can answer his question. So what can be the problem?? Maybe really my brain is just like a mega sieve that filter out everything..More irony is that i still get A for that system!!! Maybe jus as he said the A of mine is nothing but an accident!!Well…i started to believe that it is true….

       Feeling disappointed to oneself is a terrible feeling. I hate that. What add salt to the injuries is that i got no 1 to confide to. Things had not change  better even after i got my Respi result…ya better than what i expected but then again i started to question myself..is this what i deserve? or maybe i deserve a B o what which suit my level better….For the 1st time getting a good result doesn’t brighten up my day:( 

        Every ppl had different expectation to themselves…I got my own as well and i thought i got the right to feel stress if i cant meet my own expectation..but to the others this may not be the case… To them , getting a A means u had no right to feel stress and u got no right to complain about how hard u had tried to meet ur own target. Even when u failed to meet ur own target u still cannot show how depressed u r and u r not allow to cry coz u r an A student who got no right to feel stress!!! Hate to show smiley face to others when im in a terribly bad mood…but hey i got no right to pull a long face remember?? coz i got an A…..:(

       " No matter what happens, to me u r alr the best" …This is what u told me when i complain about how stressed up im recently…U are the only one who knew that im in a bad shape by just listening to my voice…thanks a lot for that, it really means a lot to me…Still there is always some1 who can understand me. How i hope ur just by my side when i need assurance and encouragement.

       I know that this is just part and parcel of a learning process and i need to learn to cope with it…in fact im trying hard to do so..but it is quite a tough task esp when i got to do this alone….

       I hate this feeling…..

I DID something meaningful today:)

        Wanted to donate blood ever since i was above 18 years old but thanks to my inborn hypotension this task had never been done.

       Me and Cheemz went to the blood donation booth after our lunch. We bypass all the registration station and went straight to the BP checking station to check out our forever low BP. Surprisingly this round our BP had raised a bit than our normal reading. 

       After getting the approval from the doctor, we quickly filled up the forms and waited for our turn. We were so excited as this is our very 1st time to actually get a chance to donate blood….

       The Q was too long and we were rushing to our lecture so we decided to donate after lecture. After our dreadly hemato lecture, we went to the booth and waited for our turn. Just as my turn arrived, a pharmacy gal fainted while donating her blood. This incident create more intense feeling as this was my 1st time to donate blood.

      Luckily the whole thing went quite smoothly except for the part where the nurse cut the tube wrongly and caused my blood spilled on the floor. Wasted my precious blood….doesnt she know how complicated the process of erythropoiesis? Does she know that all the heme and globin are so valuable and need lots of mechanism to produce them?? 

     Yes im stuck in the haemato system now…..shit still got 2 informative lecture notes waiting for me to key- in into my brain cells. Better start doing my PBL now before i fall asleep ….