scorpio

It..

No life and no choice..

It has only one ultimate goal — to entertain those who is willing to be entertained…To those who is reluctant, no matter how hard it wanted to gain their attention, it will never succeed…Never …

It is willing to remain as it because it still miss the days when it was valued, cherished and loved….So it choose to stay in the way as usual..It just hope that 1 day someone will stop by and show it some concern while busy in their own little world…

So it stay…and it wait…with hope….

Just came back from JB for a short weekend after Repro ICA…went back specially to celebrate Father’s Day with my dad.. Happy Father’s Day ya daddy…

        Last friday after the ICA daddy came all the way up to fetch me back..Very long time didnt see him d..We went back Tampin had dinner that day..Along the journey back home we just chatted n chatted..Is really nice to have a long nice chat with him…Telling him everything happened around me, what i experienced, how i feel, what is my coming plan and etc…Reached JB at about 12am. Nice feeling when i step into my house..Tho JB now is not vy safe with all the rape and robbery case everywhere but i just felt vy secure when i reached my dearest home…

        Saturday morning woke up vy early, had breakfast with dad n mum..After that we went out together..After the outing i waited CK to fetch me to Kt..Spent a whole afternoon with him…Went to visit his family, went pet shop to see doggie..Hmm 1st time hugging little doggie in my hand..just like holding soft toy After that we went Permas to enjoy our day..Sitting in the coffee shop, chatting..Long time didnt spend day so leisurely alr ever since repro start…Finally after this long system which we actually went thro a lot we can still get back to the way we used to be…Really nice to spend a whole afternoon like this..No pressure, nothing left undone…

           At night i went shopping with my whole family..Buying stuffs for my ultimate project–Father’s day lunch..Yes, im cooking for my dad..for the 1st time after 21 years..haha..Tho mum say i wont be able to make it and surely will need her help but i still willing to try..Slept late that night coz watching TV n chatting with dad n mum..Long time didnt have this kind of long chat with them d..I used to do this when i was in secondary sch…

        Sunday morning, woke up early and start to prepare all the ingredient for my father’s day lunch..Planning to do a complete meal..Start from appetizer to main course to dessert…My bro keep saying he wanna go pack food jus in case i messed thing up…Huh!!Luckily at the end i manage to accomplish this mission tho daddy did help out a bit in the last stage:P Anyway dad say is a good try..Seeing him eat so happily n contented everything is worth.. At night, we had a sumptous steamboat at home..Mum did most of the cooking this time..I just stay n let them pampered haha…Everything went smoothly in a nice atmosphere..We talked , laugh and making fun of each other throughout the dinner..Really enjoy the moment…          

         Although is just a short stay at home, but i really feel vy contented d..No need to do anything but jus staying at home is good enough alr..Letting all the stressful out, enjoy every moment with family really helped me to unwind myself..Now im recharged to the fullest and ready to move on again..Thanks a lot to dad n mum for letting me know that u all will always be there for me no matter wat happens..Hope the coming Renal syst will be a smooth 1 for me…

寂寞…

寂寞是什么? 是一种感觉还是一种心情?

好像很久都没有被它找上了….

被它缠着的感觉好差….

看着熙熙攘攘的街道,来来往往的人群,璀璨夺目的霓红灯

我寂寞…

抬头望着数着天花板,看着墙上的壁虎,连它们都成双成对

我寂寞…

听着收音机里传出的歌,面对空荡荡的房间,寂寞的双人床

我寂寞…

讨厌让寂寞找上的自己,

讨厌需索无度的自己，

讨厌庸人自扰的自己,

讨厌让人无法靠近 ,却有无法走向人群的自己

好讨厌    好寂寞

    Had been rather down recently, im not sad but is just that i felt that the jovial side of me had gone…Nothing can interest me anymore..The usual stuffs that used to brightened up my life had failed to do so nowadays.

    What depressed me most is that i don’t really understand why i had been having this terrible mood swing…I can’t really figure out a particular incidence that made me feel so..Maybe too much things happened recently..to me, to the ppl around me and to the ppl closest to me…But feeling down is something that is so contagious that a chain reaction can happen. Somebody / something made me feel down, when i feel down the one who is closest to me will feel down, looking at the ppl closest to u feeling so down how am i supposed to become happy?

       Today i met with some1 that made me feel better. Cant say im happy now but at least wid him i can forget the fact that im having a mood swing.Known him long ago actually but never take any initiative to make fren with him. I got to admit that the first sight i saw him i was actually quite scare of him..I just cant bring myself to get any closer to him.

      Dunno why today i suddenly got the courage to face him and in fact im rather happy to have him accompany me today.Going outing with him  is something that i had never tried before and i got to say im quite enjoyed doing it. Seeing him running here and there like a kid helped me get away from my mood swing. Thanks to him i found back the sense of freedom that i had been seeking for all these while..

      I think after today’s outing we can be friend in the coming future. Im no longer afraid of him anymore and i wil try to bring myself 1 step closer to him..Hopefully at the end of the day i can hug him and play with him like every1 else did…

      Thanks ya Golden for being such a great pal today…Looking forward the day to play with u again…

沉默….

沉默代表什么呢?

是暴风雨的前奏? 还是彼此的逃避? 逃避着那即将一触即发的战争??

无话可说从来都不是我们相处的模式．．

为什么最近的我们如此生疏? 相敬如宾固然好, 但是为什么感觉却如此奇怪?

明明心里明白有事发生却不知道如何开口去寻找那能够解决心中疑惑的答案..

如果大哭一场可以恢复到从前的我们,我不介意让眼泪充当和事佬.

如果吵架可以打破我们之间的隔阂,我不介意彼此争的面红耳赤.

如果….如果…

如果每件事都有如果,那人应该就没有烦恼了吧!

人总是会在面对问题时希望着如果的发生,

如果当初我们没有如此执着,

如果当初我们可以各让一步,

如果现在的我们可以回到从前,

如果现在一切可以重来,结果会不会不同??

但是很多的时候事情往往没有如果….即使真有如果,事情也未必会照着我们所期望的发展….

事在变,人在变..尽管我们努力着不让自己改变,尽管我们多么不愿去承认自己在变….

面对着重复发生却又无从解决的事,除了当初的无奈依旧,如今的我已经学着与它并存了..既然明白有些事永远也无法解决,唯有让自己学会适应它,接收生命中的遗憾与不完美..

有得必有失,这句话一直有人反复提醒着我.而我也渐渐从相信鱼与熊掌可以兼得到如今开始慢慢接受凡事不能尽如人意…

得到一些就必须失去一些…放开胸怀去接受所失去的,同时也对所得到的心存感激, 这样才可以活得洒脱,活得自在.

道理人人会说,但愿我真的可以如此豁达…..

Just did a personality test and here is the result..

You are grass-fragrance type

     You have very strong will, not dependent on others and gives an impression of being a lone-ranger.You are extremely curious and sensual,living a clear-headed,modern life.At first glance you place yourself on a pedestal,and are difficult to get along.But once others talk to you, they know you are easy going.And when the relationship develops,they realised you are affable.You have an androgynous charm,which makes you popular with all genders.But you don’t like your weak side to be seen. You might look cool on the surface, but beneath it all, you are reallly passionate.Only people who know your true self can maintain a long lasting relationship with you.

     True?? Maybe i guess…..

     Hey hey…Im going KL on monday altho my sch reopen on 12 March..Den y am i going back so early?? Coz im going sarawak for my Mulu trip as elective..:P yea..Im using the name of elective to play gao gao b4 sch reopen..Envy le…haha…

     Going to Mulu for 10 days..Lot of things waiting ahead..Adventure caving, camping,clinic visit and lot of fun with bunch of batchmates…Last holiday before sch reopen and soon we are starting our life as SEM 4 students..

     For those who are joining the trip..cya around..Hope we will have a fun and safe trip…And for those who is not joining the trip…Don be jealous ya…See u guys in SEM 4 la….

Some 1 complaint my blog a little bit depressing recently and many ppl start asking how am i doing…Well, i got to admit that i did have a terrible mood b4 this but now ….im fine!

     I hate dilemmas and i hate when i got to make decision over two important things..this is what i had experienced at the beginning of the holiday which really spoilt my holiday mood..Maybe i just too eager to make things the way i want and forget that ppl do need time to adjust to changes..they need the adjustment so do i..Now finally..I dont dare to say i had complete that adjustment but i can proudly say im doing better now…

       Another CNY…growing up again..today met with my long lost primary school mates and teachers…Brought back lots of childhood memories..Time flies and the last time we met teachers alr is 10 yrs ago..Glad to see they are all healthy and doing well…Glad to see the naughty boy who sat beside me and bullied me always is a nice chap who can talk nicely wif me now..Glad to see my best playmate is a beautiful young lady..Glad to see the boy who always play with me in the field still as jovial as b4..Glad to see all of them…A part of me..I will never be where im now if not because of them..I will not be here if Mdm Lee gave me up…I will not be here if Huang Lao Shi didnt guide me when im lost…They really made a turning point 4 me..Thanks to them a lot…    

      Nothing special happened recently..but i got a really good mood..Maybe we had finally know how to make things out..Maybe we used to the way we deal with problem..Maybe we had found a way to communicate effectively…Maybe is just because of u..U made my life complete..U bring me out of darkness..U spare me a lots of dilemma..U made simple things special..U made me certain bout the uncertain..U made me brave enough to make dreams a reality..Is all because of u…

      Life is a journey…We will meet lots of ppl along the journey..Some are just passerby while some may follow u to a certain destination, some may lead u out of ur way while some will guide u to the right path, some may be just appear in certain chapters while some may stay beside u to the end of ur journey…No matter which type of person u meet..Is because of them which make our life completed..I appreciated every1 who had played a role, still playing a role and will be playing a role in my life..Each of u made this journey a worthwhile anf fruitful one 4 me..And to U, although u are not there at the beginning of the story, hopefully u will stay till the end of the story…

Finished my 6 days attachment at Hospital Selayang…A tertiary referral centre…Paperless hospital equipped with modern facilities..

      We went to surgical department, A&E, and internal medicine…Actually what we did is just observe…Observed what de doctors and nurses do..Observed how the health care profession functioned as a team..Lots of the doctors heard that we are only year 2 students will give us a look saying that" wat de hell are u doing here? year 2..u dont know anything..y come here? wat can u do?"

     Indeed..we cant do much when we are just year 2 medical students..Even if we graduated from medical school and become a doctor oso there are still a lot of things beyond our capability…

     Saving lives is the main aim that i enter this profession…Not trying to sound noble but i really think if 1 day i can heal ppl or help sick ppl by decreasing their suffering will sure be a great feeling…But i forgot that being in this profession means that i got to face life n death everyday..

      Always thought i got the EQ to handle this kind of situation..I thought i can react calmly and professionally when i faced death…I was wronged..In fact im surprised the way i react when i saw a man who progress from conscious to unconscious and die in front of me..I had seen a autopsy..I had seen dead bodies..I was ok with all that so i thought i can handle my emotion well in front of death..

     I failed…Followed a case in A&E..A pakcik came in with complication of DM and presented with SOB..Doctors and nurses all failed to get blood spl from him coz his veins are all collapsed..Suddenly the pakcik collapsed and went into coma..He was then sent for resuscitation ..Looking at more than 6 nurses trying to get his blood from all over his body, MA doing CPR, just like the scene in ER..every1 was rushing and the atmosphere was so tense…

     The pakcik’s wife wanted to came in but stopped by the nurses..She was begging outside the room..Imagine

ur

love ones inside the room and yet u dunno wat is going to happen to him..terrible feeling..Really pity the makcik but there is nothing we can do..after a while the MA let the makcik in..She was crying and hugging pakcik…She kept asking pakcik to forgive her and their children…Really can feel her sadness…she is totally devastated.

     After 45 mins of CPR…all the MA and nurses went out the room slowly…Leaving me, huan n yeap in the room..We thought the patient’s condition had stabilised thats y they all leaving him alone…den we asked 1 of the nurse how is the patient..She say " menunggu.." huh?? wat does that mean? The nurse continue saying that they are now waiting for his heart to stop beating…What?? Cant believe wat i hear..Cant believe the pakcik who i saw 1 hr ago dying in front of me..

      Went out the room with huan…met the makcik…She seem calm..Her daughter came in and start crying…Makcik tell her daughter to "sabar" she say pakcik wont want to see them crying..dun wan them to grieve over his death..Den she told 1 of her daughter in a vy despair tone.." kenapa datang begitu lewat..kenapa tak jawab telephone..kenapa tak nak datang awal tengok ayah??"

       Cant really control my emotion at that moment…Tears are rolling in my eyes..I kept telling myself to stop thinking bout it anymore…I know i will be facing this kind of situation maybe everyday in my future but this is the 1st time i saw some1 from well die in front of me..It really left a great impact to me..Forcing myself to leave the place asap…If not I will lose my control over my emotion…

      Life is so fragile…u will never know wat is going to happen to u in the next minute…So live life to the fullest as if u got no tomorrow…Tell anything u wanna say at that moment and dont wait…for u may not have the chance to tell that person the next moment…After seeing the incident..suddenly feel that everything that we pursue is not that important anymore…Fame, wealth, reputation…everything will come to an end no matter how high your status are or how successful

ur

..Cherish wat u had now and cherish the ppl around u…

      Having my long semester break now…I think this is the last holiday that i can enjoy before i go oversea if im lucky to get the University i want..Always waiting for this holiday when i was preparing for my end of Semester exam…Always thought i can enjoy this holiday to the fullest as after the EOS there should be nothing more to trouble me or stress me up..

     Holiday…shouldn’t it be a happy moment? shouln;t it be a time where we relax and unwind ourselves? Then how come i don’t enjoy it at all? What had gone wrong??Coming back to Jb more than a week now…Strange enough i started to miss KL, started to miss the day which i need to study like hell in library…Maybe i had got used my life at KL or maybe there is something at KL that i miss…

     Idling at home everyday..Had a lot of plan for this holiday initially…Plan to had a vacation before results out, plan to go back and take result den go enjoy with frens, plan to go pangkor with him, plan to do lots of things…but till now none of those had been fulfilled…Lot of plans coming also..hospital attachment, Mulu trip and…Hopefully these can come true…

     Thought i can do some meaningful thing this holiday when huan called and asked me to join a volunteering work..She asked me to go to give counselling to flood victims at Hospital…I agreed immediately as i heard that suggestion..To me this is a kind of new xperience and im sure that there is something that i can learn by doing so.Beside, helping flood victims is a good deed especially when i visited Kota Tinggi with my dear and witnessed the destructive damage the flood had caused. Imagine the impact this flood had brought to the victims not only physically, economically,but also mentally….Losing their homes twice in a month is surely a traumatized experience…

      Sometime ppl are bound by a lot of liability that they had to learn to overcome and take it…I wish i can be free as i wish but i can’t..Sometimes i got to take these liability into account when i need to make any decision..Maybe sometime i will think i want to lead my life the way i want but sometime if my small little decision can make every1 happier then im willing to lead my life the way others want me to…Making ppl around me happy is my duty and im willing to do so…Thats why i choose not to go this time…Hopefully my this decision can make u happier.. Are u??