Back home at JB since last Friday…Almost 1 whole month didn’t come back due to the killer EOS….
This whole month had been a hectic month for me…Too many things had happened around me and still there are something I can’t really accept…Preparing for EOS was a unforgettable moment…Living in such a stressful condition with adrenaline level so high beyond the normal was a scary experience…I got to admit that my stress level is mainly due to my own egoism…Maybe im just an imperfect person who is trying to be perfect.. Knowing that this exam will determine whether I can get into the Uni I want for twinning or not had put me in a difficult position. Kept telling myself not to take it so seriously and try to relax but I failed.
Always jumped up from bed and realized that I had accidentally slept more than the time I should and felt frustrated. Although sometimes I knew im tired and can’t really study but by just keeping myself awake can make me feel less guilty coz to me , sleep is no longer a need but is a want that I should abandon at that time…Had a super haywire routine this whole month…Cant really remember at what time I actually slept…3am??4am?? I only remember there are time that I slept after the sunrise…
Not enough sleep had made me undergo terrible mood swing as well. Hate to admit that sometime I was so vulnerable…I think im not the only 1 who was so down during that period coz I realized a lot of my friends had undergone the same thing as me…Maybe we were all too stressed out…Thank god I had bunch of friend who were there to go through this with me…If I were to face these alone maybe I had breakdown long ago.
1 month of stressful life ended with 4 days of exam…To me, SAQ was ok…Only few questions that I was totally blank and don’t know how to answer. Overall I was quite satisfy with that paper..2nd day, OSPE…Thought I had fully prepared for it since we had gone through all the slides on pathology and FLMs on micro and parasito…Moreover this paper’s weightage was not as heavy as SAQ.. Who knows?? I actually finished the exam in a chaotic mind…I cant really say the questions are hard but just simply don’t know y I cant performed the best in it…I actually saw a lot of the pictures given b4 this but just don’t know y cant really regurgitated what I had studied b4.
5minutes per station…There were few stations which I was unable to finish. For some stations I got to change my whole answer last minute just because I had made a wrong judgment and diagnosis from the beginning…Fighting in that limited time and trying hard to recall back what I had studied is a tough task for me…The more I proceed, the more scare I was. the more scare I was definitely the more mistaken I had made….When the exam finally came to an end, I felt myself shivering…Chills ran down my spines…Yes, I was scared…but more was disappointment…If I were to calm myself down, maybe I can do better…If….
3rd and 4th day, OSCE started. The paper that i worried most for this EOS although the weightage of it was not as high as the previous 2. Clinical skills is a skills that required consistent practices. And after 1 month of practice the day to show what I had learned had arrived…Lectured by lots of CSU lecturer during this 1 whole month of practice…Yeah..I got to admit that the problems lies in me. .I just sucked at doing hands-on thing..
"You just don’t know anything” this is the comment by Dr Nilesh when he 1st saw me doing liver span.. "Tell me, do u study ur books before this ?? U jus don’t know the concept of what ur doing!!" this was what Dr Htin Aung said when I still cant do liver palpation although he had showed me numerous time.. I was once got so upset when Dr TS lectured me during one of the session but now I am able to take all these calmly.. I had learned to soften my heart to learned and admitted that I was lousy in it…2 days exam ended in a blink of eyes.. Didn’t really did well.. In fact I had made some mistakes that I shouldn’t make.. Maybe I just too nervous.. Although I screwed up the BP station as didn’t even got a chance to put on the cuff b4 the buzzer rang, I was glad that I went through the whole OSCE…
Finally, the days that I had been looking forward for so long had come following the end of EOS…Wanted to enjoy the holiday but don’t know y there is a sense of emptiness haunting me ever since the exam was over.. Am I worried bout the result?? Maybe…I myself also cant really figure out why I feel so…Post exam syndrome I called it.. And I think I just need time to adjust myself back to my usual self…
Coming back JB for the weekend but was now planning to stay back.. His place was flooded and I know I cant go back KL and go Penang to enjoy myself.. thus I choose to stay here.. Even though I cant do anything or help him in any way but still…Staying at home these few days.. Watching the news bout the flood.. Seeing all the victims being evacuated and looking at the pictures of those who had lost their home…Suddenly felt so sorry for them…
Human are just tiny little creature that live on this land like any other living organism.. Compare to the mother nature we are so insignificant. All the things and all the development that we had done can be vanish in a second by the force of nature.. Watching "The day after tomorrow" last night…It was so irony that I watched it at this point of time…Nothing can be done to stop the natural disaster.. What we can do now is just try our best to strengthen out mind to face this crisis calmly…
Many ppl had once told me that I am blessed and should be grateful to what I had now…Yes I know. I know I had always take them for granted coz I had never lost them…Looking back my 21 years of life , I was always been taken a good care by the people around me.. I have loving parents who will always be there to support me when I need them, to protect me from any danger, to guide me out of darkness, to encourage me when im in despair…They had provided me a wonderful condition for me to grow and to pursue my dreams…And yet I always take them for granted, always self-centered in making decision , seldom care for them when they need me…Really got to thanks them for being able to tolerate me all these while…
As for friends…I can count myself a lucky 1 coz ever since young I was surrounded by lots of frens who i can trust and share my life with…Im the kind of ppl who is always afraid of loneliness…I cant eat alone, I cant go shopping alone, I cant stay at a unfamiliar place alone and I cant do a lot of thing without being accompanied by some1 im familiar with.. Thank god I always can find some1 who can tolerate my temper and can click along with me…U guys made my life special…To know that there is always some 1 who understands u and can move along with u is a great feeling…
I had a lot…A lot more than any others ….I should be contented and not keep asking for more…Since I had been given this much y cant I face little problem in life calmly? Compare to a lot of ppl I shouldn’t be complaining anymore.. Life cant be a smooth sailing trip all the while…Sometimes some obstacles are necessary for us to grow up….Don’t try to take things for granted but don’t take things too seriously sometimes.. Let go may not be a bad thing.. In fact this is the thing that I should learn from now….
“ Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be, these are words of wisdom, let it be…” May the flood subside soon and may those who are affected can overcome this hard time with strong will and mind….
